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Unglued Freeman Forces Me to Read Dylan

By T.J. Simers

I had no idea LA Times columnist Bill Plaschke had control of who and who does not get the newspaper.

…Until I didn’t get my newspaper delivered this morning.

The Times claimed the paper boy’s vehicle was stolen and then eaten by dogs; you can just imagine the demand for the Times.

Don’t know if you know this, but when Plaschke writes something he thinks is award-worthy, he hand-delivers the newspaper to everyone. It’s much easier now that circulation has been in such decline.

At some point Monday morning I figured out how to skirt Plaschke’s control and get the newspaper online. I wanted to read Sam Farmer’s story on tennis shorts, an insider tipping me off that Sam will remain in England to cover the British Open with his first story on who polishes the silver at the Old Course.

I noticed online that columnist Dylan Hernandez had written about Clayton Kershaw, and I like Kershaw, so I admit, I read a Hernandez column. I’m pretty sure I was the first on my block.

The headline said he was writing about Kershaw, but I was now reading about Freddie Freeman. I’m not surprised the Times’ copyeditors didn’t read the story before slapping a headline on it.

Dylan began his column by writing that it is a “good thing he’s still hitting.” I had no idea he was going to write about Kershaw’s hitting. He wasn’t, he was writing about Freddie, using almost the same exact lead he had used on July 1 when he wrote about Freeman.

On July 1 he wrote, “Good thing he’s hitting.” Now 10 days later he was going with another variation, and that’s why some writers can be columnists and others cannot. I’ll get to Plaschke in a moment.

Freeman didn’t make it on the All-Star team, the voters presumably knowing there is no crying in baseball and Freeman weeping upon his return to Atlanta.

Hernandez asked Freeman about not making the All-Star team, and don’t you hate people who ask direct questions? Freeman does, and he’s already proven to be unstable.

“Come on,” Freeman is quoted as saying, “That’s a terrible question.”

I know something about terrible questions. I was actually placed on trial in LA Superior Court to defend myself for asking Mark McGwire if it was time to “give the Dodgers some steroids,” since he was the team’s hitting coach and the Dodgers were last in the league hitting home runs.

The editor of the Times, who since has been fired, said that was a terrible question. I wish I had the chance to ask him why he was fired.

Hernandez reportedly asked Freeman if the All-Star snub had made him come “unglued.” Someone online classified the question as “bizarre,” probably an upgrade from “terrible,” but here was Freeman yelling across the clubhouse at Hernandez.

I guess you could say Freeman became unglued.

He yelled that Hernandez was the worst reporter he’s dealt with in his 13 years in baseball.

Hernandez fired back in his column: “I guess he still hasn’t met Bill Plaschke.”

Brilliant. I might have to read some more of Dylan’s work.

Then I didn’t get my newspaper delivered. And I’m guessing Hernandez’s subscription was cancelled. Plaschke?

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