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USC Dork Alert

I have wondered what it would be like to be a USC fan, so pompous and clueless.

I think I could drive a BMW or Mercedes, wear those colors and look down upon UCLA. But I worry that I wouldn’t be able to wave two fingers in the air like some kind of big dork.

We’re going to learn a lot about USC honks this season. They all seemed to move away when Pete Carroll did the same, but now there is boastful chatter about a genius coach, Heisman Trophy choice to play quarterback and an easy schedule.

The Times has been covering USC recently like it’s trying to make up for the blundering work of its own editors amidst a USC scandal. I haven’t seen such slobbering since the last time I read one of the newspaper’s stories about the Lakers.

One Times’ writer has the Trojans listed as an outside chance to play for the national championship. I would think every team in the nation right now has an outside chance to play for the national title, so wasted newsprint.

The same guy wrote this morning, “When USC is USC, its top players win Heismans. Period.”

No, USC folk don’t like you to argue with them. Period. But nice to know the Times has a USC fan writing about the Trojans.

The new college football rules were designed with USC donors in mind. Now they can buy a team to root on, just like the good old Dodgers way of doing things. Just imagine what Lane Kiffin could do with all this money.

Now there is talk of paying each USC football player $50,000 on top of the$40,000 to $50,000 scholarship they get, and that’s just for every ordinary Trojan. The extraordinary will probably make so much more because the USC honks would rather donate to a a dominating wide receiver than a children’s hospital.

That makes me sound like Plaschke, and you know what, I kinda like pandering to the huddled masses who don’t see the justice in reality.

The heralded coach, Lincoln Riley, with the first name that will be used by pregnant Trojans everywhere, and is that some kind of oxymoron? Well, anyway, this guy is considered magical, taking last year’s Heisman Trophy favorite in Spencer Rattler at Oklahoma, and driving him to play for South Carolina now.

Riley has proven he can make a bust out of the very-best prospect, and now he gets a do-over with Caleb Williams.

Williams’ father has already made it clear he’s at USC to get rich, although he wanted everyone to know in a suck-up LA Times story that he never sought financial gains for his son before his son officially signed with USC. I’ll betcha Uncle Pete got a good NCAA laugh out of that.

I have my doubts about Williams, which makes me alone. Now I really do feel like Plaschke.

He is listed as being 6 feet 1, and there are all kinds of examples of 6-1 successful quarterbacks in the NFL. But thousands more who weren’t, the task to so much taller than what the 6-2 to 6-4 guys have to tackle

Tom Brady is 6-4.

I covered the NFL for more than 20 years with Elway in Denver, Fouts & Bums in San Diego, Everett in Los Angeles and I also watched as teams tried to win with quarterbacks like the Mission Bay Shrimp a.k.a. Doug Flutie. I predicted Drew Brees would lose in San Diego and I was right as he went on to New Orleans to win and set all kinds of records.

Yes, it can be done and in a spectacular way, but percentages suggest Williams is not a lock for Heisman stardom. And in addition to being a passer, he’s considered a great runner, and runners often disappear to get medical attention.

So why all the premature fanfare for a quarterback who has played eight college games?

Well, it’s USC and the Trojans’ faithful has had nothing to get excited about for some time. Imagine what it’s like to be a Bruins’ fan; I know, I can’t either.

I like USC’s home chances against Rice and Fresno State, so I’m not just a naysayer as some honks will suggest. But I know I’d be embarrassed to stand up and poke two fingers in the air and yell fight on against the mighty Owls from Rice.

But I like USC’s chance to win, and I also like the increase in business for dermatologists if USC fans get the same kind of the present-day heat for that Sept. 3 opener at 3 p.m. in the Coliseum.

I don’t rule out a shocking defeat along the way if Williams is more Rattler than we know right now, but I would think the Trojans will start the season 6-0 before lining up for pay raises. I also look for donors to inspire, leaning over the railing while waving dollar bills in the faces of players as they walk up the Coliseum tunnel.

As so many great USC coaches used to say: Whatever it costs.


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